bluebeard

Hmm.. I've just realised that this is the first userpic I've had that doesn't have something red in it, aside from the Big Fag one. I'll have to do something about that.

Alrighty.

I've been working for a few days now, and it seems groovy. Dull, repetitive job, coworkers that talk about pussy all day, benefits suck... but it's 9.50 an hour and insurance I didn't have before. They pay us on a debit card, which is convenient. Hope to god though that payday comes and the network isn't out, which is a common occurence in midtown. The fiber lines here must suck.

This weekend has been a flurry of drinking and sleeping. Last night was.. curious. We put on a duck head costume, wigs on top of it, skirts, and costume shirts, went to Krystal's, and proceeded to harass the other people in line. Heh.

Yes, there's one picture, but I have no web space, so you'll just have to imagine.

Hi.

I didn't sleep well last night, I got up at 7 this morning, today I passed my piss test and went to my first day of work which ended up lasting 13 hours, and now it's 3am. I am very tired.

But, I suppose it must not be so bad since after that amount of time, I don't completely hate myself for taking the position. Yeah, I was cranky by the end of the day, but in retrospect it was more because I was hungry than actual dislike.

And, I can take headphones and CD's, which rocks.

Considering I just went to a completely other world for 10 minutes after the previous sentence, I should probably quit here and go to bed.

ni

5 o'clock hit and my eyes went *pop*.. I am awake.

It feels like I slept well.. but I want more.

For the past two days, my roommates' boyfriend's friend had been calling, calling, calling, stopped by once, continues to call.

Guy's idiotic sister called me 5 times today trying to determine where he works, even though I gave her the location and name of the place the first time.

Now I find out that Guy's family is having a surprise visit tonight, and he just called to let me know that I should have the house clean before people get there.

Then he called Doug and had Doug also call me and say the same.

So I guess I'm the secretary, answering service, house keeper, lawnboy, *and* pc tech of the house.

This job better fucking come through. Then I'll be gone most of the day and these people can take care of their own fucking problems, maybe wash their own dishes for once, or reboot the computer *all by demselfs*.

.. and then I can start looking for an apartment. alone.

This song rocks my asshole.

10pm and already I feel like there's no reason to be awake. My body isn't asking for it, however, and I'm out of sleeping pills.

Lately I fear my own hatred of other people has become consuming. I make instant judgements on everyone I see and people's little quirks have become almost intolerable. I bitch about other people so much in my own head I've gotten sick of it. It becomes near impossible to say hi to anyone for any reason, because I don't want to feel like it was worthless. It never really is; but my own bullshit judgements lead me to think so.

I feel empty in the worst way, as if the things I want (job/money/car = self-sustainability = self worth = freedom from judging myself) aren't attainable by me, but are by everyone else.

So, I sit, and do redundant computer maintenance on the house network, scan for viruses that have already deactivated themselves anyway so what's it matter, clear caches, empty temporary folders, organise mp3's, delete pirated copies of games I didn't want to play even before I downloaded them. I smoke too many cigarettes.

Can't find my tarot deck, misplaced after using them the last time I felt this way. Guess I'll have to think about things without the help of tactile esoterica, actually feel my emotions out instead of supplanting them with abstract feedback and affirmations of my own desire for mental/emotional prowess. (fear, however, often wins over: I'll look for them until they're found, you betcha.)

Alcohol: a chemical replacement for joy, used regularly by those who seek freedom from their own self-berating.

w00t.. perserverance pays, I suppose. I got an interview, tomorrow at 10a...

*wishes fervently for good sleep*

I like how when I've been outside awhile, and come back in, my house kind of smells like my grandmother's farmhouse in Kentucky did.

did I fail to mention earlier, I'm now officially Not Sick? I woke up this morning feeling normal again, mostly.

*sniffs deeply* mmm... peroxide bleach.