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musings.
So someone over in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
polyamory asked what people thought about the difference between people you were friends with, and people you had relationships with. I was going to answer, but after typing up three different replies just to delete them and start over, I realised I didn't really have a clear definition of the two.
Actually, come to think of it, I don't think there is a working difference. That people want to put a label on others seems more of a status thing than anything else. What I would expect out of a friend and a relationship is pretty much the same thing -- love, support, trust, and all that emotional needs stuff. To what extent the other person and I are going to fill those needs for each other is up to us, and really isn't anyone else's business. Why is it so neccesary to introduce each other as, "This is my husband (or whatever), Bob", and not just "This is Bob." The former has all these predetermined associations with it, like, "This is the person I fuck/live with/am co-income with/emotionally support/am in love with/would die for/whatever, Bob, and you're not allowed to touch him with a ten foot pole".
I guess the issue, really, is monogamy. When you're monogamous, i.e. you have a single person you're allowed to be in love with, have sex with, and so on, leading up to the proverbial white picket fence, having a word applied to your and that person's relationship tells the rest of the world that you operate as a unit to some extent, and that other people are not to cross certain boundaries with you. When you're nonmonogamous, I don't really see it as being neccesary -- just because I'm in love with Bob doesn't mean we fuck, just because I fuck John doesn't mean we're in love, both could be going on simultaneously, and it's really nobody else's business except who I/they choose to share that information with.
So.. yeah. I guess that pretty much sums up my feelings about it. The difference between the two terms is more of status than anything else.
polyamory asked what people thought about the difference between people you were friends with, and people you had relationships with. I was going to answer, but after typing up three different replies just to delete them and start over, I realised I didn't really have a clear definition of the two. Actually, come to think of it, I don't think there is a working difference. That people want to put a label on others seems more of a status thing than anything else. What I would expect out of a friend and a relationship is pretty much the same thing -- love, support, trust, and all that emotional needs stuff. To what extent the other person and I are going to fill those needs for each other is up to us, and really isn't anyone else's business. Why is it so neccesary to introduce each other as, "This is my husband (or whatever), Bob", and not just "This is Bob." The former has all these predetermined associations with it, like, "This is the person I fuck/live with/am co-income with/emotionally support/am in love with/would die for/whatever, Bob, and you're not allowed to touch him with a ten foot pole".
I guess the issue, really, is monogamy. When you're monogamous, i.e. you have a single person you're allowed to be in love with, have sex with, and so on, leading up to the proverbial white picket fence, having a word applied to your and that person's relationship tells the rest of the world that you operate as a unit to some extent, and that other people are not to cross certain boundaries with you. When you're nonmonogamous, I don't really see it as being neccesary -- just because I'm in love with Bob doesn't mean we fuck, just because I fuck John doesn't mean we're in love, both could be going on simultaneously, and it's really nobody else's business except who I/they choose to share that information with.
So.. yeah. I guess that pretty much sums up my feelings about it. The difference between the two terms is more of status than anything else.
no subject
I then had to explain that I love my friends, but it doesn't mean I want to fuck them or that I'm 'in love' with them. I'm still not sure she totally understood.