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post-gathering
Oct. 13th, 2003 11:20 amEven one weekend, one overnight stay at a gathering has it's intended effect: it pushes all your issues, everything you've been trying to bury inside your head and not deal with, right to the surface.
Even though I'm reminded of how much I love the people I go with and see there, I left this time with all of my hate and anger right up in my face, screaming and begging for me to deal, to try to express the things I find positive in this world instead of the things I'd rather shoot in the face.
Steps forward? No, for me it feels more like inching along with your toes. I often don't feel like I have the space/time to think as much as I need to, and the time I get to myself where I'd like to relax ends up just tensing me worse because of all the crap I have to analyze. The parts of myself I'd like to [throw away? transform? give? get? modify slightly? enhance? detract?] seem stuck because they all want attention RIGHT NOW. Controlling that flow of thought/emotion (is there really a difference?) is often near impossible.... rather, it often feels impossible.
I need and I don't know what.
Even though I'm reminded of how much I love the people I go with and see there, I left this time with all of my hate and anger right up in my face, screaming and begging for me to deal, to try to express the things I find positive in this world instead of the things I'd rather shoot in the face.
Steps forward? No, for me it feels more like inching along with your toes. I often don't feel like I have the space/time to think as much as I need to, and the time I get to myself where I'd like to relax ends up just tensing me worse because of all the crap I have to analyze. The parts of myself I'd like to [throw away? transform? give? get? modify slightly? enhance? detract?] seem stuck because they all want attention RIGHT NOW. Controlling that flow of thought/emotion (is there really a difference?) is often near impossible.... rather, it often feels impossible.
I need and I don't know what.
