(no subject)

it's four fucking thirty in the morning.

I just woke up to sebastian pissing in my fucking bed.

SOMEBODY COME GET THIS GODDAMED CAT OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

i'm tired of this shit.

(no subject)

while you're at it, take some of the others too. this is just entirely too much. over, and over, and over again. i want these animals OUT. OUT OUT OUT.

i'm angry enough right now what I *feel* like doing is tossing the motherfuckers out the fucking front door, but I'd really rather them not get hit by cars, eh?

paul doesn't give a shit. he wuvs his widdle amnimals. at this point, however, sanity and a CLEAN HOUSE would be much preferred over a furball.

(no subject)

i cant deal anymore. two and a half years of fighting, screaming, death, death, death, problem after problem after problem. always SOMETHING wrong.

death, joblessness (or shitty jobs), depression, a shitty relationship, fighting fighting fighting. my pile of shit is getting ready to fall over, and im collapsing with it.

you know where paul is right now? sleeping. with josh. at josh's house. just like he did with ben, some boy comes along who's more affectionate than me (we met josh a WEEK AND A HALF AGO) and *BAM* now i sleep alone.

my job drives me to tears. im scared of going there. it upsets me so much i vibrate.

my house is filthy. i've been working, paul said he'd take over the cleaning. he didn't. instead, he's been running all over the fucking city spending, spending, spending. most of his trust money goes to stupid shit. cd's, boots, picture books, whatthefuckever. so he comes to me and asks for money, because we have bills. but the trust wants their rent.

I CANT DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE

why the fuck, three years ago, did i think moving to portland would make my life better? ive been proved wrong. nothing has gone right.

when i came here, I was hopeful. i had some ambition and drive and all that. so the job I came here for didn't work out, i figured, that's life. of course, as soon as that happens the job market goes to shit. nobody wants to hire me. and after awhile, i stopped trying. when i have worked, its been shit.

everything is shit right now.

then, suddenly.. EVERYBODY DIES. what the fuck is up with that?

ive only truly loved two people, to the point of gut-wrenching-physically-painful-sobs. jamie (note: jamie from memphis. none of you know him) and paul. i never got to tell jamie. but the person i do get to tell... it turns out were totally incompatible in the long run. i guess thats life, but that mixed with everything else...

i want to disappear.

my heart is thumping so hard right now it hurts.

im tired of crying. iim tired of having to get drunk in order to not think about whatever for awhile.

ive gone back to my teenage habit of sleeping all day long on my days off so i dont have to think.

help

(no subject)

i couldn't get back to sleep, so i went to burger king.

the clerk was a bitch and the food was bad.

today will be a very long day.