(no subject)

10pm and already I feel like there's no reason to be awake. My body isn't asking for it, however, and I'm out of sleeping pills.

Lately I fear my own hatred of other people has become consuming. I make instant judgements on everyone I see and people's little quirks have become almost intolerable. I bitch about other people so much in my own head I've gotten sick of it. It becomes near impossible to say hi to anyone for any reason, because I don't want to feel like it was worthless. It never really is; but my own bullshit judgements lead me to think so.

I feel empty in the worst way, as if the things I want (job/money/car = self-sustainability = self worth = freedom from judging myself) aren't attainable by me, but are by everyone else.

So, I sit, and do redundant computer maintenance on the house network, scan for viruses that have already deactivated themselves anyway so what's it matter, clear caches, empty temporary folders, organise mp3's, delete pirated copies of games I didn't want to play even before I downloaded them. I smoke too many cigarettes.

Can't find my tarot deck, misplaced after using them the last time I felt this way. Guess I'll have to think about things without the help of tactile esoterica, actually feel my emotions out instead of supplanting them with abstract feedback and affirmations of my own desire for mental/emotional prowess. (fear, however, often wins over: I'll look for them until they're found, you betcha.)

Alcohol: a chemical replacement for joy, used regularly by those who seek freedom from their own self-berating.